世界唯一的我: suffocated

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Day after day, week after week...still haven't found a job yet. I NEED A JOB BADLY!!! I can't carry on with this kinda "da shao ye" life-style, I have to work. Work to earn my income, work to kill time, work to forget that someone in my heart, work to...whatever!

I wanna leave Singapore to a place where noone knows me. I can't stand my hypocritical friends. Buddies are no buddies. No action, talk only! Call yourself my buddy, save it! You who claim to be my buddy is not a buddy of mine. I hate living my life wearing a mask everyday. I'm not someone that knows how to suck you up, neither am i a sycophant. I have seen through everyone, or rather most of ya, in my life. Am REALLY appreciate my so-called buddies for coming into my life, but am tired with all the faked smiles on your faces. It's been long three years...I can't stand you anymore! You people have upset me times and again. I know who are really true and worth being my friends, thanks for being there for me kh, sj, lj and my gal of cos. And not forgetting my beloved auntie jamie and jessie. Thanks for going through with me during my most down period and listen to all my sorrows. No word can express my gratitude to you guys.

If time could turn back, I swear I would start everything afresh. I would not choose this path, this unholy path. I would aim for higher and better. Owell, maybe in my next life then. Never regret meeting my doggie. You brought me all the sweet memories that noone could ever give it to me. Those were our memories. I will always keep it inside my heart. Locked it and never let it slips off. May you be blessed with him.

Sometimes I think to myself, why the hell did i come to this world? A punishment from God, because i had did something really bad and horribe in my previous life, that's why i'm having all these sufferings now? If that's so, then i gotta give up on my life. Let fate decides everything. There's a cliche saying "Fate lies in your hands", but what can my hands do? Other than playing volleyball and some other "stuff", what else does it know? Don't tell me having a good skill in volleyball is a gift from God? God must have sent me to the wrong region then.

I tried to be more optimistic, i really did...but that didn't change anything in me. I'm just living in misery. I'm just cheating myself. When my loved ones left me, I tried to be strong not to shed any tears. I tried to take things easy but deep inside me how did i feel? When I need someone to hug, there's noone. When I need a shoulder to cry, there's noone. I'm a human being yet I'm reserving my emotions in me, not letting it out. I don't know how long can I hold on to this kinda life. I need a love too. I'm quite an outdoor person, homely at times, I can't possibly stay at home all day long. I will go nut sooner or later. I need my friends to accompany me for a meal or a movie. I don't see any problem with that, yet I have to get permission before doing anything. I'm no pet, I'm a human being. I need my own space. I need a break from all these. It suffocating me, I need to breathe. I'm sorry that I have to leave. I have had enough with all these nonsense. Forgive me.

花生仔 =p
11:49 PM

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